#we will never be able to really know them #do you ever just #think about that#there is so muchwe’ve discovered about them #and we’ve watched them grow#but there’s eighteen years of empty space there #where they only had each other#and no matter how close we get #how many reinventions of them we see #we’ll never know what sam said to dean over breakfast the day he turned eleven #and we get these little glimpses of the boys who grew up in a back seat of a car wrapped around each other
I was thinking about shells today. I saw a woman with a shirt that had them, and I remembered the beach, and you, and this box. I went back and read through all the letters, and for the first time, in a long time, I wasn’t sad about it – not in the same way.
I’ve been so tired lately. I’m so tired of being angry, and sad, because that wasn’t the point. I’m sad because I’ll never get to tell you certain things again. I’m sad about that, but I’m not sad like I was when you left. I think I held onto that too long. I confused it with loving you, and those aren’t the same. Being sad about the things I miss isn’t loving you. It never was. Loving you was so much bigger than that. .
I don’t think I can stop loving you. I think it’s a part of me now, and it’s never leaving. It makes me who I am, and I used to think this crippled me, but I don’t think it does anymore. Loving you has given you back to me. I’ve missed you. The old you. You never really came home, and I understand that now, and I know it wasn’t your fault or mine or anyone’s. It was just circumstances we couldn’t avoid, but I’ve realized that just because we ended the way we did doesn’t define what we were before.
To have those memories back is such a precious thing. To have that part of you back with me – it’s unimaginable. I was thinking about shells, and I was thinking about that day at the beach and I can remember sitting on the blanket looking at the water, and you asked me what I was thinking.
I was thinking about how afraid I was that I was never going to love you as much as I did then. That the moment was going to get washed out, that I would never be able to experience what it was like to know that I loved you as much as I did again…
I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to. I’m sorry – I’m sorry we weren’t as equipped to deal with the hand we got. The fact that we didn’t get to do the little plans hurts more than the big ones, sometimes. It wouldn’t have mattered about a house or the island. Sometimes I stop myself at work and realize I’m never going to sit in Van’s noodle house with you, and I don’t know exactly – I’m so terrible at letters, Dean. I’m glad you never had to read them when you were in Vietnam, they were all so terrible and boring and wordy.
I think –
I think that, the point of it all, is that the moment at the beach? I had never really understood who I was until then. That’s who I am. That person, and there, right there, next to me, that was you. That’s who you are.
It’s so wonderful to know that I didn’t lose you. That we were always right where we were supposed to be the whole time. This whole time I thought I’d lost you, and there you were…
Memories are good that way. I can remember us, and I can keep living. I can keep going and always know right where to find you when I miss you.
I miss you all the time.
I want you to realize this someday. All of that about us. You don’t – you don’t have to be guilty, and I know you are, and I understand why everything happened the way it did. It just happened. We just – it just happened, Dean, and it’s alright. I’m alright.
I’ll be okay.
Once, you told me it didn’t seem right to say goodbye. Not really.
I thought I’d have to – I thought I’d have to let go of everything I loved about you, but I don’t, and you were right, and wouldn’t you be pleased with yourself to know.
The truth of it has never been clearer to me, my darling.
And you are, always, my darling.
see you then
Kind of like lava lamps but better! These jellyfish are real. They have died of natural causes, been harvested by these lamp makers, frozen in liquid nitrogen and encased in crystalline epoxy. They glow in the dark, due to the jellyfishes’ natural bioluminescence.
it is my duty to reblog everything involving bioluminescence
O o O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY JELLYFISH LOVING INSTINCTS TELL ME TO BUY 10 OF THESES TO PUT ALL OVER MY ROOM! GIMME!!!
finally, my room can look like blackreach
american money seems so confusing
its all the same colour so u have to like pay attention when ur giving people money
like what if u go to give a friend a dollar and accidentally give them $100??? what if u dont correct them???
add some colour 2 ur economy america
vive la australia
As an american I can tell you that we distinguish our money by the obsessive number of the amount the bill’s worth placed on the bill. Also, we distinguish by the dead white guy on each bill.
I don’t understand american school years what the fuck is a freshman or a sophomore why do you have these words instead of the numbers
what why would you use numbers
so IT FUCKING MAKES SENSE WHAT THE HELL IS A SOFT MOORE OR A FRESH MAN WHY ARE THE MEN FRESH
America makes no sense, as usual.
bless the person that actually made the chart
laughter from France
France what the fuck
i love it when people say things like ‘i can’t draw to save my life’ because it makes me think of someone holding them at gunpoint saying ‘ALRIGHT HERES A PENCIL I WANNA SEE SPONGEBOB IN 45 SECONDS OR UR GONE’
yes and i would fucking die do u know how hard spongebob is to draw melanie
we’re being faced with a serious issue.
there is only 1 sarcasm left
now we’ve got to use it wisely. please, for the love of god, think before you speak. it’s gotta be good.
yeah okay, i’ll be sure to do that